As the saying goes, “no news, must be good news.” Overall I must agree. When I am quiet, one of two thing are happening, I am either extremely depressed or super busy and really don’t have anything to say. I am proud to announce that the latter is the truth. I never knew boring would be so incredibly awesome. But it is, it really is. I AM SO HAPPY TO BE BORING!
While battling illness, life is a hodgepodge of emergencies, unplanned events and unsettling news. You deeply crave “normal.” You constantly wonder, “when will life return to normal?” “Why can’t I be normal?” and “What is normal now?” And then you realize, THIS is my “new” normal.” And that is terribly difficult to cope with. You can’t plan on whether or not you will be able to go to your son’s ballgame or your daughter’s dance recital. You cannot plan period. Life becomes centered around you in a way that is uncomfortable, unpredictable and “un”normal.
And then there is the grief. Grief is such an amazing emotion. At first, it consumes you and your every thought. Every moment from wake till sleep you are grieving what you cannot do. For who you once were and never will be again. You wonder if you may die just from heartbreak. It is so primal, earthy, innately deep. You wonder if it is worth living on. And this becomes normal. Or at least normalized. Especially in circumstances like mine. Because I did not tangibly lose anything. The person I lost is myself and that just doesn’t seem socially accepted. Like what I lost was imaginary. It was just the hopes and dreams I had for myself and I should be happy that I am alive.
Well, of course I AM. But do you see what I am saying? I feel guilty for feeling sad that I will not ride roller coasters with the kids or go to a public swimming pool. That they will not remember me from before. That I am not taller than Greg any more. That I can’t drink alcohol. That my hair is gone. That I don’t work. That I can never claim the title “healthy” again. That I don’t feel lucky or blessed all the time. Grief like this is overshadowed as just… life. There is no term like, “widow” or “orphan.” Nothing that I feel titles what I am right now. I never went to a funeral and said good-bye. I’m just supposed to feel thankful.
So, I am a survivor.
What would I give to be normal?
Here’s the crux of the matter. I guess I wouldn’t change it. I’m looking for the good in it. I am fortunate, but boy life can really suck. But I am happy this is my normal.
This is the closest I’ve heard to what I’m talking about: We don’t move on from grief,
I am planning something big!! This is a huge step because like I said above- you can’t plan anything! I am super excited about this!! I am getting a new hip!!! Yay Me! One month from today I will be in Boston, literally getting my bootie operated on. I cannot wait! So do this for me- pray that it goes well and that everything turns out great! I haven’t been this excited about an operation since the kids were born.