When you are caught in a whirlwind, you crave for the wind to stop. For life to become ‘normal.’ It doesn’t even have to be fully normal, you just have to get out of the storm. To feel safe again. To survive.
Ironically, the body becomes ‘safe’ long before the mind believes it. The mind can convince you of just about anything. No correction, it can convince you of ANYTHING.
My life before HLH was stressful. I had plenty of anxiety; more than I actually realized. I thought I dealt with it well, when in reality, it did control a large portion of my life. Many of my daily routines were encapsulations of anxiety. An effort to control the catastrophe I thought was imminent. Then the unthinkable happened. The one thing in life that is most important to avoid: death. Or near death as the case may be. Fear is natural. Fear is necessary. Fear is what keeps you alive and is your surviving force. But anxiety? It wants to be fear. It is a thousand little deaths each and every moment. While it does not kill immediately, it is no less deadly.
I am offended when I listen to others talk about their “triggers.” Whether it is that Starbucks is out of their favorite drink or they have a large pile of laundry that just doesn’t go away, there is nothing “triggering” about it. They are not sucked back to a time when life stood still. Motionless with a chest pain and breathlessness that is technically not physical in nature, yet the mind has told you differently. Watch your language. Language is the most powerful tool available to humankind and when used incorrectly, no less destructive than an atomic bomb. You are not triggered. You are living life. Be grateful.
Deep within this well of anxiety, life goes on. And as you claw your way out of the abyss of your own mind- you remind yourself over and over. Life goes on. Live it.
This isn’t an update for pity or praise. It is a proclamation to those who need to be seen. I see you. I know what terror feels like. Many of us do and its time to stop being quiet about trauma. I urge everyone to find someone who listens. They are there. Maybe not in the places you have looked before. Someone that will believe you, so that you can start believing it yourself. Putting down the ideas of “it wasn’t that bad,” and raising up the truth of the horror that it was. In these situations, yours is the only perspective that matters.
- Image found at https://uniquemindcare.com/anxiety-disorder-signs-symptoms/
Glittered Path 
Wow, Demara, good post! I agree with you that ‘trigger’ is the new word of the day. I feel that many people who use the word so cavalierly have not really had a momentous traumatic event in their lives. No one understands that I don’t want to take the CPR class because it reminds me of performing CPR on my dying father; just do it because it’s required. I never talk about that or my cancer journey. And I’m ok with that. I feel pretty emotionally strong about those things. The one thing that I have to talk about because it has emotionally damaged me so much is having a NPD mother, but no one wants to hear that because she is such a ‘wonderful lady’. I’ve lost or cut out so many friends either because they were flying monkeys or they just don’t believe me. Therapy helps, but not completely. She has negatively affected my life so much, it sometimes physically hurts.
Thanks for your post and I’m so glad you and your family are thriving.
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I see you!!!!
Find another counselor- they are not all created equal. I am specifically working with one that specializes in trauma. Also read “the body keeps score,” warning it was very emotional for me- but it made me feel seen. The book really helped me expose to myself what really happened to me.
Hugs!!
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