Returned from Dr. Yoda today. Feeling more confident about the decisions we are trying to make. He definitely feels that BMT will mostly likely be the only way to successfully treat my HLH. The imaging I had completed on Friday showed- you guessed it a mixed result! My pelvic area is improving (although my marrow looks about the same), but my lungs had not improved; new nodules were noted, and there were a couple of new noted liver lesions (I had liver lesions in earlier scans, but they had not been noted on in a while). So tomorrow, I start 8 weeks of maintenance therapy (the same chemo I was on before, but lower dose) and hope, believe and pray.
I hope, believe and pray that I am making the right decisions. I picture my daughter, sons and husband around on Day zero thanking an unknown person for the gift of life they have given me. Telling my children that this will finally make me better. I picture myself running again. I picture returning to work. I picture Christmases and holidays. I picture my grandchildren. The future is still an unknown, but I can’t help but wonder about it. Will BMT bring me enough?
I have a brave Aunt that has been surviving with ovarian cancer for 8 years (almost 9). She has watched her grandchildren grow. Lost her mother. Celebrated 8 more Christmases, birthdays, holidays. Helped her niece be braver in her survival. Is 8 years enough?
I have a brave cousin that has also been surviving ovarian cancer for 5 years. Another cousin a 2 year cancer survivor. Is that enough?
When I was in my twenties, I became fitter, thinner. Health was measured by a number on the scale. It was hard to lose enough weight to be happy.
When I was in my thirties, I had a career and children. There was never enough time. Because I didn’t make enough time for anything. It is a busy time of life, young children, full time work… I didn’t have time to think about what is enough.
So now I have lived almost one year in my forties. Let me tell you it isn’t enough.
So what is enough? Will it be enough for me to live another 8 months? 8 years? 18 years? 28 years? 38 years? Will I to see all of those pictures in my head become a reality?
So, today must be enough. I must give enough love and receive enough love. I must give enough time and take enough time. I must allow today to be enough, because tomorrow isn’t promised. So take a moment today to appreciate your loves in life what ever they may be. And try, try to let it be enough.
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