I’ve been worse

When you are given a bone marrow transplant, you are under the premise that you undergo a ‘rebirth.’ You are the recipient of a great gift, that not only do you get to live, but you spring forth from a different womb ready and eager to conquer the world as a new you. The phrase, “if I only knew then, what I know now” has a new testimony to it. You ring forth with a truth that you are wiser than your years and your rebirth has allotted a perspective that most are not graced with.

This tale springs with both physical, emotional and spiritual tentacles. Physically, you are as fragile as a newborn. Isolated from the world your first hundred days; a number which is scientifically arbitrary, yet such a milestone. If you can just survive without complication that first hundred days, life will then be easier or so you hope. Yet, your immune system is still so vulnerable that every cough, sniffle or gurgle can foreshadow weeks of downtime. You empathize with actual infants as you tremor with fever, drown in secretions and shake with the rigor of a deep bronchial cough that stems from within. Seemingly harmless “childhood illnesses,” must be faced again as a badge earned on a used uniform. As what threatens a true infant, is twice as monstrous to your borrowed immunity. Like a replacement part that doesn’t make your Edsel new again. You were given a lemon in the first place.  You face these physical challenges with a new attitude, “I’ve been worse.” speaks not only the truth, but a sort of rhetorical statement of how you must face things now.  I must complete the actual physical rebuilding of my body. Muscles replaced with mush, the atrophy of not only 3 months in a hospital bed, but 18 months of true disability.  Flesh replaced with bionic parts, that will become part of me. I train them to be the me I want them to be. But they force me to be the me that I am. I can no longer be a runner, jumper, even swimmer, so I have bartered to be a bicycler, Contrologist, yogi. An interesting paradigm.

Your emotional support, a Sagrada Familia have you, with sources ancient as it’s foundation or as fresh as yesterday. Both providing a needed indoctrinate, yet not created equal. For some parts have been forcibly  removed because they were destroying the infrastructure; yet, others are surprisingly strong, taking on weight that you didn’t know they could handle. The foundation cannot be reconstructed. I am thankful for that. It is who I truly am. The vessel may be different, but the heart is the same. If anything a rebirth allows that heart to shine brighter. Because there is no sense in covering your light. Life is too short. The new lattice is refreshing, because it doesn’t know your faults, but it strengthens you in ways you didn’t know were possible. You didn’t know you could be loved like that anymore. You didn’t know you could still laugh that hard, to the point that you almost wet yourself, but it wouldn’t matter because it would only add to the epic nature of the tale. Like falling in love all over again. Sure it’s a risk, but life is only worth living if you dare to LIVE it. Your rebirth paved a way for this. Maybe it’s God’s way of making up for the suffering.

Like the prodigal son, I didn’t know what I had willingly given up. Taking what I thought was mine to take and leaving. Fortunately God Knows. What does He know? You may ask? That’s the absolute beauty of it. He just Knows. That’s it. Everything. What I thought I knew, I didn’t. And now what I thirst to know is quenched through Jesus Christ. It is NOT just a bundle of stories, a parable of truth, it is a way to fulfill my life. To make my rebirth worth it. And those who read this and are blind, do not see. If you by-pass this section as “not important to you,” as a little crazy, it is you I am talking to. Look deeper. Listen harder. Feel everything. You are not alone. If there is anything that my rebirth has most benefited it is this. A Love that nobody can know- without Him. And it’s not clear! It’s baffling at some points! Completely and utterly confusing. Unbelievable- if you must. That is the utter beauty of it. You don’t have to understand. You just have to have faith. I don’t know if I will ever be thankful for my struggles, but I am thankful for my life. Just as it is. You cannot sit in discontentment (you can visit it on occasion). There are instances you cannot control. There are LOTS of instances you cannot control. Tons. Millions. But, hopefully you can learn from it.

Rebirth. Born again. I am a blessed second son. I can look at my past and learn from it. I can remember that, “I’ve been worse” has more truth to it than I want to admit. Amen.

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