I have been thinking about this post for a while. You see, absolutely nothing is actually wrong.
My blood work is awesome.
My pain is well controlled without opiates.
I am active with my children.
I recovered from an illness with only 3 days in the hospital (gotta look at silver linings where they come. 1. I recovered. 2. There was a known problem that needed to be fixed).
I am doing crazy crap (tore out a hot tub).
In other words, it’s like the last 3 years (almost) never happened. The blip in my life has passed.
I would dream about the blip being over. You know what I mean. The time in your life that you just wished would pass. Is wish even the right word? You obsessed, fantasized, prayed (oh how you prayed) for it to be over. Breakups, illness, death, grief. The time in your life where you feel literally trapped in a Groundhog day scenario. You are mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. You feel alone, lost, hopeless. Every waking moment, and some sleeping moments, are consumed with the obsessiveness of what life used to be and what you dream it to be “when this is all over.” The ‘present’ is no longer a gift, but a moment to be escaped from. The time in your life where others say to you, “this will be over and pretty soon it will just be a blip” or better yet, “I don’t know how you are doing this,” but the worst is, ” you inspire me at how you are handling this.” No solace is found in these words. None, zip, zero. All that can be done is to wait for the clock to tick. For the moment to pass. To recognize the bogie for what it is. Either an echo or an enemy.
Will you attack with a ferociousness? Or wait? Will you trust in your experiences? In the experiences of others? In God? Will life become a bitter taste in your mouth?
Only you know what you will do or have done. But I am here to tell you, you have a choice. I would like to talk about what I have done to grow in this valley of life and I hope that you find it helpful.
- Support your spirit. By this I mean find a spiritual home. There is one out there for you. No matter how long you have been away from it or even if you’ve never explored it. Dare I say, even if you don’t believe in it. It’s there. Waiting for you. Do it now. A true spiritual home offers no judgement. Does not care about your past and opens it’s arms for you. It wants you to question. It wants you to doubt. Even Jesus’ wondered if God had left him. ‘O Father why do you forsake me?’ (Matthew 27:46). It wants to be there for you. This may not be an easy part of the journey. It may seem easier to wait for the blip to be over. But I swear to you, if you want to grow, you have to address this. (I’m just going to put this here: stjamesbg.org)
- Support your heart. By this I mean surround yourself with those that will help you. Rid yourself of toxic relationships. This too may not be an easy part of the journey. But you need people to feed you love and hope. If your friends and family are not doing this, it’s time to say good bye. I know, I know, this sounds completely terrible. But I am not here to make you happy. I’m here to help you grow. Find a mentor where ever you can. That is why I write- I want people to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU (yes, you) ARE LOVED AND YOU DESERVE LOVE.
- Find gratitude. This may mean that you are ‘happy’ that it is you that is suffering and not someone else. On more than one occasion, I felt so truly grateful that my children were well- that was it. Everything else seemed like crap, but hey my kids were doing ok. Now for those of you who are reading this and thinking of someone who is going through a tough time, this is not the time to tell them they should be grateful for something. It doesn’t work that way. Find happiness as only you can.
- Support yourself physically. Stop eating crap. Stop drinking crap. Moderation. The body is an absolutely amazing miracle. I am practically half of another person. Seriously. I have XY chromosomes, my blood type has changed. I tried to die at least 3 times. I friggin’ could not turn over in bed without exhausting myself. I once weighed 220 pounds ( I did not stutter). I am 3″ shorter because my back is literally crumbling apart. But that doesn’t mean I treat myself poorly through bad habits. I often wondered why I got sick when I was one of the healthiest persons I knew. I realize now, that because I was healthy I survived. I now have obstacles ( broken back, artificial joints) to achieving health, but it is no less a priority for me. I want to help you do this!!There is no health status that cannot be improved upon. I mean that.
- Yes the dreaded “e” word. Exercise. Move. Sit in a chair if that’s all you can do. March your feet. Today do more than you did yesterday and think of what you can do tomorrow. That being said, I distinctly remember times in the past 3 years where I was utterly and completely physically unable to do anything. It is OK to have those days, but if you are having them all the time, it’s time to find some help.
I want you to be the best you possible. I want you to march out of this valley, thinking “that SUCKED. That really, really SUCKED, but you know what- I’m going to make the best out of this.” And I hope I can help you. Please let me know if I can.
Take 10 minutes. Watch this. https://youtu.be/MEcTv6VgVp0
I have been moved by the level of love and commitment you all have shown me in some of the darkest days of my life. You’ve prayed for me when there was literally nothing else you could do. And that mattered. It means more to me than I can express. But now it is time to celebrate and start a new journey. Keep praying. And let me know how I can help you.